Proposal
by wild-springflower
Summary: "He asked me to bond with him." McCoy's eyebrows raised half-way up his forehead, and shaking his head with a sigh, he too slid down the wall to sit next to Jim. "So you bolted." "He doesn't know me. Not everything about me anyway. And if we bond he's gonna see everything," Jim's voice cracked, tears leaving wet trails down his cheeks. "What if that scares him away?"


**A/N: This takes place at the end of the five year mission (so after all the movies that have come out so far!). More at then end! :D**

Five years. Five years of deep-space, new planets, amazing discoveries. And now it was coming to an end. They'd explored _very_ strange new worlds, sought out plenty of new life and civilizations, and had boldly gone far beyond where _any_ one had gone before.

Life on board the _Enterprise_ had evolved in a way that wasn't terribly surprising. Relationships had been formed, hearts broken, they even had a couple babies born. For the most part though, everyone got along. It hadn't always been easy, the tension at times having been so palpable it could have been sliced with a warm butter knife; but they always made up, there had never been a lasting conflict. There hadn't even ever been much drama, which was surprising to say the least. A ship that size, rumors and gossip flying, and no drama. It was nothing short of a miracle.

But perhaps that was why, when a large handful of the crew was gathered in the Mess for lunch, it startled everyone so badly when their Captain, of all people, stood so abruptly his chair toppled over behind him. His blue eyes were wide, lips parted as he gasped slightly. He swallowed thickly, opened his mouth as if he were going to speak, then quickly clamped them shut again before making a hasty retreat, leaving a certain Vulcan sitting at the recently vacated table with one eyebrow raised in question.

Spock stood slowly, removed both his and the Captain's waste from the table, then quietly left, whispers and rumors already beginning to spread.

It didn't take long for word of the "confrontation", if it could even be called that, to spread across the entire ship. Everyone seemed to have their own theory about what exactly the two officers had been discussing that had caused Jim to beat such a hasty retreat, theories ranged from a request for Jim to give up meat to Spock ending their not-so-secret relationship. Everyone was united in their hope for it to be something more along the lines of the former than the latter.

While some were unsure of the relationship, it was plain as day for anyone to see that the two fit together well. Some of the most human interactions anyone had ever seen involved Spock and Jim; they were a good pair and everyone wished the best for them.

Leonard McCoy sighed heavily into his cup of replicated coffee, sickbay had been particularly busy that day. Some sort of virus had gotten into the ship's system and crew members were experiencing some adverse effects, thankfully he hadn't seen anything more serious than a severely runny nose or lost voice, but it was still exhausting.

He sighed again as Ensigns Riley and Spades came stumbling in, Spades supporting a slightly unsteady Riley on his shoulder. The young engineering upstart had a deep yet seemingly innocuous gash across his forehead, and although blood was obviously staining his red shirt a deeper rouge, the wound had already stopped bleeding.

"Kevin Riley." He intoned deeply, shaking his head and indicating an empty biobed, "Just set him up there, I'll be right over."

"Sure thing Doctor McCoy, there ya go Kev. I'll catch ya later yeah?"

"Yeah, thanks Jack." Kevin called with a half-hearted wave as his friend headed back down to the engine room.

"It's not my fault this time Doctor McCoy, I swear." Kevin said as Leonard walked over, scanner in hand.

"That's what you said last time," He reminded, "And the time before that. This is the third time you've been down here this month, and it's only the fifteenth! Seriously kid, I don't understand why Jim doesn't just move you back to navigation."

Kevin shrugged, waiting patiently for McCoy to determine the best way to treat his most recent injury. "He knows I like to do things with my hands? Engineering has always been an interest for me, Jim knows that."

Even though Leonard knew the close relationship Kevin and Jim shared, it still came as a shock to hear someone refer to their captain so informally. "Yeah well, maybe he's just too soft when it comes to your puppy-dog eyes."

As if in response to McCoy's statement, Kevin widened his eyes and lifted his eyebrows slightly, the epitome of innocence. "Speaking of Jim," the ensign began conversationally as Leonard ran the dermal regenerator across his forehead, "have you asked him what's going on?"

McCoy's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "Is there a reason I should be asking?"

Kevin's eyes widened, his mouth parting in shock, "You haven't heard."

"Haven't heard what?" Leonard demanded angrily, if something was going on with Jim he better damn well know about it.

"Something happened between him and Spock earlier today, in the Mess Hall. Jim left in a bit of rush, well, more than a bit of rush actually, he knocked his chair over. I figured you of all people would know what was going on, but I guess if you've been shut in here all day," Riley trailed off, biting his lips and glancing up questioningly at McCoy.

Leonard sighed and shook his head in frustration. Riley was right, he'd been in the med bay nearly all day, he hadn't even had a chance to eat lunch yet, so it didn't really come as a surprise that he didn't know something was going on with Jim and Spock. Sadly it came as even less of surprise that he had to learn it through a third party than from Jim himself. "Sorry kid, I don't know anything. You can damn well believe I'm gonna find out though."

"You'll let me know if it's something serious, right?" Kevin asked hesitantly, he obviously didn't want to overstep any boundaries but he was also worried about someone he cared for deeply. Leonard respected that.

"I will. Your head should be all good, just take it easy the rest of the day and for god sakes be more careful when you're down there! I will tell Jim to transfer you back." McCoy sighed heavily, cleaned up the minimal mess left behind, and then went to find Jim. And seeing as how Jim went to the same observation deck any time he had an issue, it really wasn't that hard.

"Knock knock." McCoy said quietly as he entered the almost abandoned deck. The stars streaking in the window as the Enterprise flew past at warp speed made his stomach queasy. He never understood what was so calming about that sight, it just made him want to hurl.

Jim, for his part at least, didn't seem surprised that McCoy had found him. "What's up Bones?"

"Why don't you tell me." Leonard demanded softly, if eight years of friendship with James T. Kirk had taught him one thing, it was that beating around the bush never got them anywhere.

"I don't know what you mean." Jim replied with an easy smile that didn't reach his eyes.

McCoy leveled his gaze at the now seasoned Captain and crossed his arms over his chest. "Jim, it's a small ship, word travels pretty fast. I heard about what happened in the Mess, now what's going on? Did the hobgoblin break things off?"

Jim's eyes snapped up to Leonard's, wide and nervous at the mere prospect. "No, no he didn't."

"Then what happened?"

Jim sighed tersely, sliding down the wall to rest his butt on the floor. Leaning his head against the wall behind him, he glanced up at McCoy and, realizing the doctor was not going to let the subject drop, released a long breath and closed his eyes. "He asked me to bond with him." Jim relented quietly, dragging his eyes open to stare up at McCoy with the most pathetic expression the physician had ever seen.

McCoy's eyebrows raised half-way up his forehead, and shaking his head with a sigh, he too slid down the wall to sit next to Jim. "So you bolted." He concluded. Jim didn't respond but Leonard took his silence as an affirmative. "Talk to me kid, what's going on in that head of yours?"

"Bones, I'm-"

"Swear to god if you say you're fine I will restrain you in Med Bay for the remainder of our journey back to Earth."

Jim's mouth snapped shut, the sentence he was about to utter dead in his throat as he took in Leonard's very real threat.

"Seriously, walk me through what's going on."

"He- he's not like anyone I've ever dated. He's an amazing guy Bones, and I know I've never felt this way about anyone before."

A smile touched Leonard's lips at the confession, happy that Jim had finally found someone. "None of that sounds like a bad thing."

"Yeah but he doesn't know me. Not everything about me anyway. And if we bond he's gonna see _everything_ ," Jim's voice cracked, tears leaving wet trails down his cheeks. "What if that scares him away?"

"Jim," McCoy shushed quietly, rubbing gentle circles along Jim's heaving back. "Nothing about you is going to scare him away. But you already know that, don't you?" It wasn't so much of a question as a statement. "So, what's the real reason you ran?"

Jim sniffed and scoffed with a roll of his eyes. "Fear. Commitment issues. 'Cause I'm fucked up? Take your pick."

"You're not fucked up." McCoy amended immediately.

"Yeah? Well I sure as hell ain't normal."

Bones just scoffed, "Normal, what does that word even mean?"

"I don't know, but the definition in the dictionary just says 'not Jim Kirk'."

"Don't flatter yourself kid, the dictionary doesn't even know you exist."

Jim's eyebrows dove as a playful smile overtook his slightly haggard features, "Aren't you the one always saying my picture is under the word reckless?" He challenged.

Bones chuckled and rolled his eyes, "Alright, ya caught me there ya little shit. But it really is."

Jim couldn't help but laugh, the mood of the entire room immediately lifting. Then, after things had settled back down, quietly Jim voiced, "What if he really doesn't like what he finds out?"

"Jim," Leonard turned to his friend, face conveying nothing but seriousness, "Vulcans are logical right?"

"Well yeah."

"Basically their whole way of _life_ is based on logic, correct?"

Jim blinked, unsure where his friend was going with this. "We all know that already."

"Okay, well how logical would it be to ask someone to marry you before you were ready for marriage?"

"Not very."

"And how logical would it be for someone to propose if they were still having second thoughts?"

Jim shook his head but cracked an embarrassed smile. "Not very."

"Alright one more," Bones placed both hands on Jim's shoulders and made sure they made eye-contact and held it before he continued. "How logical would it be, for someone to propose, if they were not undoubtedly certain they loved absolutely _every_ thing about the person they proposed to? If they did not know, beyond reason, that nothing could make them _adore_ and _respect_ this person any less." Bones paused to gain control of his emotions, both he and Jim blinking away tears. "How logical would it be for someone to propose, without believing with all of their being that the two of them weren't meant to be together?"

Jim breathed out harshly and spoke through a wet, nervous laugh, "Not very logical at all."

"And we already established that Vulcans are nothing if not logical."

"Thanks." Jim whispered, leaning forward and wrapping strong arms around Leonard's waist.

Leonard hugged back, squeezing Jim tight just for good measure. And then, because he decided they both needed to cheer up, "I am fully expecting to receive a formal invitation naming me as best man."

Jim barked out a laugh and shook his head but was completely serious when he responded, "Like I could pick anyone else."

"Damn right you couldn't." Bones pulled back from the hug and smiled, "Now get. I believe _some_ where, there is a nervous half-Vulcan in need of an answer."

Jim smiled back and nodded confidently. "That there is."

 _ **~Enterprise~**_

Bones had certainly been right about one thing, it was a small ship. Jim had spent maybe fifteen minutes searching for his First Officer when he almost literally ran him over exiting a lift. "Spock! Hey, I've been looking for you, listen-"

"No Jim please, allow me. I consulted Lieutenant Uhura and she postulated the reason you left so abruptly was in direct correlation to the manner in which I asked you such an important question. I had not considered the emotional ties to the bonding rituals practiced on Earth; perhaps if I were to pose my question while down on one knee-"

"No Spock," Jim chuckled, "It wasn't the way you asked."

Spock's perfect eyebrows dove towards the floor, "Are you certain?"

Jim had been hoping to alleviate some of the tension but if anything Spock looked more troubled. "Yeah don't worry about it."

Spock nodded, hiding behind a mask of professionalism. "Then perhaps it was the substance of the question. If you are not willing or desiring of a bond-"

"No no no, Spock no." Jim cut off desperately, "Look I uh- I just- I have some issues, okay? And the easiest way to deal with a lot of them: trust, and commitment, and _love_ , was to avoid them like they were Andorian shingles. So I would make connections, spend a night or two with someone, and then leave. The longest relationship I had before this lasted three weeks, and we didn't see each other for most of it." Jim sighed quickly through his nose in an attempt to cut his already lengthy tirade short. "The _point_ is, I have issues. There are things I've done that I'm not proud of and things that have happened that have had a lasting effect on me. And I understand that you'll find all this out-" He couldn't force himself to say _when_ because it wasn't a certainty yet, "Well I pretty much know how a Vulcan bond works, but I wouldn't want you to find out that way. I don't want you to find out all this shit about my life unless I'm the one who tells you."

"Jim, a bond is merely an extension of your mind, it would not-"

Jim waved his hands sporadically in front of his face, effectively shushing the Vulcan mid-sentence. "I don't care, I want the words to come from _me_. It's weird, it's illogical, both are things you yourself have said you like about me, so."

"So you wish to have a discussion." Spock surmised calmly, not phased by Jim's rambling one bit.

Jim paused a moment in thought before nodding once in affirmation. "Yeah, yes, I want to have a discussion."

Spock indicated for Jim to lead the way, obviously intending to head to their shared chambers and talk right away. "Oh, I mean, we don't have to, I've actually-"

"Jim, follow me." Spock commanded, getting as close to irritated as a Vulcan could before leading the way down the corridor.

"Oh, okay."

The walk to their room was made in relative silence and aside for a few stares garnered from the other members of the crew, they really didn't attract too much attention.

The door swished open and Jim was quick to begin pacing back and forth in front of the bed. Spock walked calmly to sit on the half of the bed whose sheets were slightly more in order before cocking his head to the side and waiting expectantly.

Jim released a long, extended sigh and tapped his hand nervously against his thigh. "I don't even know where to start, okay okay okay." He whispered, mostly to himself although he was certain Spock could also hear.

"Would it help if we treated this as a barter system?"

"What?"

"I relinquish information from my past that you are not aware of, for information from your past that I am not aware of."

Jim stopped where he stood, the prospect of sharing some of his deepest secrets suddenly not quite so daunting. "I think that'll work. Should I go first?"

"Since this was my suggestion, I find it only fair that I go first."

Jim sat on the floor in front of where Spock was sitting and looked up at him intently, his fingers still drummed nervously down his thigh but all his focus was on the man he loved.

"When I was a child, I found it very difficult to reign in my emotions." Spock began calmly, barely any sign in his outward appearance that he was uncomfortable, "I used to get into fights with other children, and I found myself acting in a way that was unbecoming of Vulcans. My father told me emotions run very deeply within the Vulcan race, and as such I had a much harder time controlling them than my full-blooded classmates and peers."

Jim gave a sad nod, he knew a little something about getting into fights and feeling ostracized. He swallowed thickly, and his gaze darted to the floor, "My mom was never really around much when I was a kid. She was always off in space, attempting to preserve the ghost of a memory." He began bitterly, "So my brother Sam and I, we had to live on Earth with our Uncle Frank. Bones knows a bit about him, but basically he was an asshole. He treated me and Sam like dirt, he'd beat us if he got too drunk or if we ever stepped too far out of line. I grew up with this belief that _I_ had done something to deserve what Frank was dishing out; Bones is still working on breaking that line of thinking. So yeah, less than ideal childhoods, aren't we both off to a great start?" He joked darkly, then waited patiently for Spock to continue.

Spock seemed to consider what he'd just learned, then thought deeply for a moment before he started in on a different aspect of his life, "I had an arranged marriage."

Jim's head snapped up to stare at Spock in shock and disbelief, "Wait, what?"

"Please Jim, allow me to explain." Spock responded calmly, "When I was very young my father arranged a marriage between myself and another important Vulcan's daughter. However I had no connection with this girl, I neither loved nor had any desire to marry her."

Jim felt his heart pang in sympathy, then quietly ventured, "So where is she now?"

Something akin to pain flashed through Spock's eyes and Jim was sorry he'd asked. "She was unfortunately not one of the survivors of the destruction of Vulcan."

"Oh. I'm sorry." He responded weakly.

Spock inclined his head in respect, "As am I."

Jim paused and scratched his head, trying to figure out what he should say next. He knew what he all wanted to tell Spock, he just wasn't sure in what order. "My brother ran away from home when I was 11. He was basically the only thing keeping me in line and he'd done his best to shield me from Frank. I understand why he left, I really do but, I still can't help but feel betrayed. Abandoned. I couldn't imagine leaving anyone alone in that scenario."

"That is one of the reasons I love you Jim, you are compassionate, and care much more than many others of your species."

Jim shrugged and ducked his head as his cheeks tinged pink, "I don't mean to."

"Another one of the reasons I love you."

The young captain coughed awkwardly, "Your turn." He stated, trying to move the conversation along.

Spock paused a moment in contemplation, "I used to have a strong, irrational distaste for-"

"For what?" Jim pushed when Spock had remained silent for a beat too long.

"My eyes." The Vulcan finally finished, his head hung in shame. "They were always one of the things the other children picked on, because they resembled my mother's. Now I look at them and am able to preserve her memory, so I am thankful."

Jim stared at his lover for a moment in shock before whispering breathily, "I hated my eyes too. They were one of the main reasons my mother couldn't even look at me; too much like my father's."

The pair sat in silence, simply staring into one another's eyes, pleasantly surprised to find a little something their broken childhoods had in common.

"Fascinating." Spock spoke finally, breaking the long quiet with a gentle smile.

Jim nodded, flashing back a small smile of his own, "Yeah. So uh, your turn."

Spock nodded, then seemed to consider exactly what he was about to say. By the way he was sitting, his face completely blank, this was a confession he felt particularly ashamed of. Jim waited with nothing but patience, not wanting Spock to feel any pressure from him. "Before I begin, I would just like to make it known that I did love my mother very much."

"Of course you did, I know that." Jim reassured quickly. Even back when he'd disliked the guy he had known that much; it had been painfully obvious on the day Vulcan had been destroyed.

"Then please do not judge me too harshly when I tell you this: there were times when I was younger that I resented her. I was angered at her because of something she had no control over."

"Her species." Jim guessed knowingly, a sad sense of understanding falling over his heart.

Spock inclined his head minutely, refusing to meet his gaze, "Affirmative. In my mind, it was the reason I could not fit in with the other children. The reason I was bullied and had to work harder than all my peers. To this day I still regret that I treated her coldly on occasion, instead of loving her dutifully as a son should."

"Spock, your mother loved you, no matter what. And I'm sure she could understand where you were coming from."

The Vulcan nodded solemnly, exhaling softly before finally looking back up at Jim. "I believe it is now your turn ashayam."

Jim couldn't help but smile, as he always did when Spock called him a pet name in Vulcan. His smile however soon faded as he remembered what he had left to talk about. He swallowed thickly, his eyes falling dazedly to the floor. "Just, promise you won't look at me like I'm some wounded animal after I tell you this." He whispered, needing some sort of affirmation that things wouldn't change between them.

"My high opinion of you could not be tarnished Jim, please, continue in your own time."

Jim nodded, sighed once, then began talking. He decided to say it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid, he could elaborate later. "I was on Tarsus IV."

The room fell quiet once again, before Spock blinked and articulated, "I must assume you mean during the time that Kodos the Executioner took control."

Jim nodded mechanically, his hands balled into impossibly tight fists.

Suddenly so many little habits made sense: the way Jim always seemed to hoard little snacks all over his person and the ship, the small scars across his body that he always refused to comment on, his miniscule discomfort of any colony suffering from food-shortages. "I am terribly sorry for what you must have experienced. Please, talk if you need to, but do so only for yourself; know that I do not need any specific details."

Jim almost took him up on that offer, but no, he'd gone into the conversation with a mission, damn if he was going to quit before he was done. "No, no. I should do this. Bones keeps nagging me to talk to someone else about it anyway."

Spock inclined his head in silent consent, and focused gentle eyes on Jim's nervous form.

Jim sighed once before starting, "Um, so obviously you know the general facts of what happened. Fungus, food shortage, 4,000 colonists killed by Kodos. What a lot of people don't really know is that there were a lot of people that escaped in the chaos of the initial massacre. I ended up getting a group of kids rounded up, and we all lived together in the woods. There were a few of us that the younger ones looked to, but for whatever reason everyone latched to me as the actual "leader" of the group. I had final say of where we stayed, I divided food for everyone; which believe me, got to be pretty difficult when we started to run really low. So yeah, I was thirteen and suddenly I was responsible for the survival of other kids. I honestly didn't know what I was doing, just bull-shitting my way through." Jim had to blink fiercely before continuing, "We didn't all make it. Actually, we lost quite a few people before Star Fleet finally came and rescued everyone. As soon as I was allowed to leave the hospital I just kind of disappeared. I took a lot of odd jobs, traveled a lot, until I eventually ended back up in Iowa."

Jim finished with a sniff. He hadn't told even half of the full story, but more intense details could come later; he'd just been scared of actually putting that fact out there. It wasn't everyday someone admitted they'd survived a literal tragedy.

A firm grip of his hand had Jim's eyes darting up to meet Spock's deep, penetrating gaze. To the captain's surprise, he could see and feel a deep sense of sadness at his latest admission. Spock was deeply moved by what Jim had confessed; and Jim could tell he truly wanted to help in whatever way he could.

"Thanks." Jim whispered, swiping at a rather persistent tear. "Any other earth-shattering confessions?"

Spock's eyes softened when he felt Jim's emotions settle, "Not that I can recall."

"Yeah me neither." Jim sighed deeply, his eyes blinking in surprise at how long the two had spent talking, and how exhausted he felt. Apparently relinquishing his deepest darkest secrets took a lot out of him. "Well, we gotta be up early for shift tomorrow, what do ya say we hit the hay?"

"A most logical suggestion."

Jim smiled, his knees cracking as he stood from his position on the ground. He leaned forward and pecked a gentle kiss against Spock's warm cheek before heading to the bathroom to quickly get ready for sleep and curling into bed. He fell into a deep slumber quickly, and awoke the next morning feeling far lighter than he had in quite a while.

 _ **~Enterprise~**_

Things on the Bridge were quiet and peaceful; it wasn't exactly per norm, but it was always nice when it happened. Really, Jim should've known something was up when not only Bones but Scotty also ended up on the Bridge with half-assed excuses as to why they were there.

Suddenly Spock was standing in front of him, blocking his view of the vast dark of space that he enjoyed so much. Of course, he enjoyed a view of his lover far more. A coy grin captured Jim's lips and he leaned a little more sensually in his chair, "Anything I can help you with Commander?"

"Yes Captain, I need you to stand and follow me."

Intrigued, Jim did as told. He stood and walked with Spock to a spot directly in front of the viewscreen. "Okay, what are we doing-"

Before Jim could finish his inquiry Spock had bent down to one knee, grasping Jim's left hand firmly between both of his. "Jim, I realize that I do not have a ring to offer you, as is customary. However, I will endeavor to find one at the earliest convenience. Instead, all I have to offer you at this moment is my love. I have known for a while now Jim, you are my t'hy'la, and a life without you would be a truly empty one. I wish for us to spend the rest of our lives by each other's sides, no matter where that may take us in the future. In your vernacular James Tiberius Kirk, will you marry me?"

Jim couldn't even breathe, his free right hand flew to his face, covering his mouth and rapidly watering eyes. He chose to nod fiercely because he seriously doubted anything that came out of his mouth and that moment would have been intelligible. Still nodding he finally forced, "Yes of course."

The Bridge erupted into a loud chorus as Spock stood and the two embraced; Jim hugged his Vulcan tightly and for quite a long time before he let him go. Even still, the two remained close to one another. The Bridge was still consumed with the cheers and laughs of the rest of the crew, all reveling in the wonderful moment.

Spock leaned forward, his lips caressing Jim's ear, "Are you happy ashalik?" He questioned nervously; he knew humans sometimes cried when they were joyus, but even after all this time he still found his lover hard to read.

"Yes!" He lunged forward and hugged Spock once more, pressing a wet kiss against his cheek and whispering, "Yes of course. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular." Finally he stepped back, standing at arm's length but still maintaining a constant skin contact. Jim flashed a dazzlingly messy smile, and his blue eyes were outlined in red, with tear streaks staining his face.

It was the most beautiful thing Spock had ever seen.

 **A/N: Dear goodness I am a sap! lol When did that happen?! But seriously, I love these two more than words can say, and they deserve happiness! Vulcan words courtesy of an online Vulcan dictionary I found that totally made my night!**

 **ashayam: my love**

 **t'hy'la: in this story used to mean lover**

 **ashalik: darling**

 **Taluhk nash-veh k'dular: I cherish thee**

 **And that's all I've got! Until next time, wonderful wishes to you all!**


End file.
